Wanda’s Journal

Five Points of an Amish Marriage

Amish rules allow people to marry only a member of the Amish church. When an Amish couple gets married they are expected to stay married for life. Divorce is not acceptable, and if an Amish church member should get a divorce (which is not nearly as common as among those who aren’t Amish) they would have to leave the Amish faith, which would result in them being shunned. The spouse of the one who gets the divorce would not be allowed to remarry. The consequences of divorce among the Amish might seem harsh from an outsider’s point of view, but I believe that knowing divorce is not allowed in their church causes Amish couples to strive harder to get along and work through their problems. Some, who are experiencing marital difficulties, will seek help through their church leaders or from a Christian counselor.

In many Amish homes, where a couple is raising a family, only the husband will work outside the house, while his wife takes care of the children and does the household chores. Some Amish women, however, run a business from their homes or in a building on the same property, allowing them to be close to home and their family, while helping with the finances. In the case where there are no children at home, a wife may work outside the home at a job in a nearby town, or they may run a business that is not on their property.

An Amish man is the head of the home, but most Amish women have an equal say in many things, including making decisions that will affect their future. Most Amish men share in the responsibility of caring for the children. I have seen many Amish fathers in church, holding their small children. Amish couples work together to share the load. Some Amish women can be seen helping their husbands in the fields, and some men help their wives with yard work and household chores.

The Amish love to have fun, laugh, and tell jokes, and this helps to keep their marriage strong. A good sense of humor can be a buffer during difficult times, and life is always more enjoyable when one finds something positive to smile and talk about. The strong faith in God that a couple shares also helps to keep their marriage strong. Looking to God for guidance, and praying about things can help a couple through trying times.

Most Amish couples have outside interests. The women are often involved in quilting, crafts, artwork, gardening, and many other creative things. The men frequently meet their friends or family members for coffee and to visit and catch up with local news. Many Amish men like to fish and hunt. Amish couples enjoy getting together with their friends for indoor and outdoor games, such as volleyball, baseball, horseshoes, and shuffleboard. Many Amish couples enjoy traveling and will go on trips, either just the two of them, or with family or friends. A change of scenery, and doing fun things together, can help strengthen a marriage.

If you are married, is there anything special you do to strengthen the relationship between you and your spouse?

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  1. Going to church together as well as spending quality time together is important; also, it’s important to care deeply about each others feelings and interests.

  2. My husband and I retired a few years ago but we’ve been busy with family responsibilities, taking care of grandchildren and our elderly parents. The grandchildren are now both in school and we lost both our parents this past year. So this is the first time we haven’t been tied down since retirement. Our plans are to help our son move into my moms house after renovation and then travel some in our RV. We love camping and plan to do a lot of that before we get too old to do so.

  3. It is always good to marry a Christian man or woman who have the same belief as you .I also believe in a lot of the ways the Amish believe . I believe in Praying to God everyday and through out the day ,reading the bible together as family an on ur own .God has really blessed my husband and I .We always talk about our troubles to one another an pray together when trials come our way .We have been together for 35 yrs. I am a preacher God called me in 2000 Without God we are nothing ,and the way people are today is very sad .We just thank God for our two children and our eight grand children and one great grand child still follow God . Are we perfect no ,have we had trials yes But ,we overcame them by God being in our lives and praying Blessings to all of y’all .

  4. I pray for my husband all of the time. Prayer changes things. I try to spend time with him every chance I can.

  5. I wish that more people believed that marriage is forever like the Amish believe. It would make life so much easier. Is marriage always easy no but you work through it.

  6. I am not married, but this already encourages me.., I believe that these words of wisdom, apply to all relationships.., for me I am applying it to my mom’s and my relationship, how I need to strengthen that relationship.

    Thanks for sharing!!!


  7. I am divorced but if I could go back it would never have happened. We learn from our mistakes.

  8. I lost my husband five years ago this week. We didn’t have a perfect marriage by any means, but we loved each other and knew it. Going forward, if I ever marry again I hope I would voice concerns more openly, not pridefully snuffing them for peace’s sake. Like others, I also think prayer is the key to any relationship–something I am learning still. I would delight in cooking and eating meals, gardening, walking, and talking together. Something I do regret is not taking time together regularly. We were raising kids and working so hard, which is a blessing in itself, but I would hope to go camping and go on trips together.

  9. I wish I had all the advice and knowledge on how to treat a spouse that is available today – back when I was married. Makes me wonder how much different life would have turned out for me. I’ve been a widow now for 15 years. I did what I could, held our family together & had fun in the making and everyday life was good. I just wish it could have been ‘better’.

  10. Happy March Morning! Praying that God will continue to give you inspiration to write more books. Also He will bless you with good health. My mother and I love your books. Thank you!

    1. My husband and I don’t get to date each other once a week, but we do make it a priority and try to do it once a month. We are currently having a difficult time finding a babysitter to watch our six children, one of whom has some special needs. We can always read a book together and talk about life, praying over situations!

  11. I’ve been married for 47 years and what we try to do is never go to bed angry with each other. Couples have to want to work thru their problems. The only exception in my mind is an abusive marriage. No one deserves to be physically or mentally abused by their spouse.

  12. I so enjoyed your blog about an Amish marriage and family ! We have almost been married for 50 years and during those years we have struggled at times but the center of our home is the Lord Jesus and our relationship with Him has helped us over the years to work through any issues we might have. I love to help my husband when he is doing projects and just be a part of his life and he does the same with me. He tells me daily how much he loves me and how important I am in his life. I also love to thank him for his special care for me: fixing breakfast, gathering the trash and helping me when I need a strong hand to open jars. Our love has grown stronger and deeper through the years.

  13. Today is our 23rd wedding anniversary. We have had our ups and downs in our marriage as do most people. My husband is retired from the Navy and I just retired last March. We have had to adjust to being together most of the time. And I wish sometimes he would go away for a few days so I could get some cleaning done. Along with many prayers and trusting God in marriage we are doing good. We like to take a little time away from each other, as I will go home to Maine to visit with my sisters and our mom. He will go to his sister’s house and visit with some of his old friends. I think this helps us to appreciate all that we have.

  14. We just celebrated 42 years together being married. I believe with all my heart it is putting God the head of the relationship and in your home. When you are equally yoked things work a lot better. If you wanted to be treated like a queen treat him like he is your king.

  15. I really enjoy reading your newsletters. I have a trip planned to Shipshewanna this year. I was married to my husband for 27 year before he passed away from Cancer. I was always looking forward to seeing him after we both finished our job. I was able to distress before coming home by thinking to myself about my days work if it angered me. Then I turned to corner to my home and continued with a whole new attitude. We enjoyed each other and respected each others time alone,.

  16. We will be married 49 years this coming May. I married my high school sweetheart. There have been ups and down – but many more ups than downs. I cannot imagine a life without God in my life.
    We were blessed with two beautiful daughters and now am grandparents to four amazing grandchildren. Through the few downs we drew closer to each other.

  17. We like to spend time together and we also pray together. Keeping god as the center of our relationship will get us through anything.

  18. Blame isn’t as important as making things right. Someone is always gonna be right and someone is always going to be wrong and sometimes the scales dip in one direction or the other but when you are one it’s more about making things right than pointing fingers. Shared values are critical, cricism inappropriatly applied is more damaging than good. Faith in God is critical as it fills in the gaps of all of the above and so much more. Gratitude in tough times stabilizes things. Just a little I’ve learned in 40 years of marital growth, it’s an adventure! Love your work Wanda Brumstetter. Thank you so much for sharing yourself and the Amish lifestyle.

  19. I really enjoy reading your many books . I have learned alot about the amish from your books. I lived near an amish community growing up, but never really knew much about them. Thank you for teaching so many of us about a different culture that we may not be use too.

  20. We try to maintain a Christ centered home and spend quality time together. We enjoy going to church and SS together.

  21. I love reading your books Wanda! It is my hope to one day visit an Amish community. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and gift for writing with the rest of us. God bless you!

  22. My husband is a pastor so naturally we’re in church every service and raised our children there, dedicating them to the Lord at birth. But more than that, we each know the Lord personally as our Savior! Thankful that our children know the Lord as Savior also and are serving Him in various capacities. Our son preaches and also leads the music at his church. Our daughter is mentally handicapped and in a special home, but oh how she touches hearts through her smiles, prayers, and encouragement to others! God can use us anywhere if we’re willing!
    My husband and I also try to get away a couple times a year for a few days up to a week, just the 2 of us! But we also usually eat out every Friday afternoon!
    Recently I had knee replacement and my husband showed how much he cared by caring for me daily! Cooking, cleaning, laundry, transporting me to PT, filling my ice machine that helped with swelling, monitoring my meds, etc. Just an all around great guy. And he also weekly does the vacuuming as I have severe back problems as well. We do for one another as necessary! That goes alongside with our vows. For better or worse, in sickness and in health.
    We entered into marriage never thinking about divorce. We are in it for life! God has blessed us and given grace in difficult situations! We don’t always understand “why” for trials, but one day we will!

  23. My husband and I pray together and respect and love one another. We’ve been married 25 years and are blessed with 4 children. Prayer and faith in God is what holds a marriage and family together.

  24. We have been married for 47 years and have been sealed for time and all eternity in The Lords Temple. We have enjoyed 13 children, now have lost 2 of them. My husband fell 11 years ago and hit the back of his head which has left him severely disabled and I take care of him full time. We are promised in the next world that our bodies will be made perfect again. I’m looking forward to that. Keep up the good work, I enjoyed all your books so far.

  25. It is sad that many people do not work at marriage and give up and even do not honor each other when people don’t make God#1 in there lives seems things fall apart I like how the Amish do honor God and each other

  26. We enjoy planning outings together and now that we are older, we also enjoy spending quiet time just relaxing and being together. My mother and I both love your books and Mom collects them. If more people believed as the Amish do, this world would be a better place!

  27. Hi, My husband and I have been together for
    35 years! Three years of long distance dating,
    and 32 years, married. We are living apart now,
    for 8 months. His job requires a lot of him! Communication,
    to me, is key. I just haven’t been able to get through to
    Thanks, Cindi

  28. Loved reading all about the Amish lifestyle. Can’t wait to read another Wanda Brunstetter book.I admire their simple way of living and their commitment to marriage.

  29. This was very interesting as there is a lot I don’t know about the Amish.My husband and I have been married 46 years but there have been a lot of ups and downs and sorrow in our life.He has been suffering with Parkinsons Disease for 10 years and this as been a real struggle.I enjoy your books very much.

  30. I am divorced and remarried. I have been married now for almost 19 years. We spend as much time as possible together. Our jobs don’t always let us be together but we make due. We never go to bed mad at each other. We will talk it out first. I think that’s the best thing we do to keep us together.

  31. My husband and I have been together for 38 years–and it has been the best years. We never go to bed upset with each other and if something is bothering one of us–we talk it out and come to a solution. Always have faith and trust in each other, be honest!

  32. I am a widow now but when my husband was alive we would have a bible study and worship together every morning. Each and every night he would give me a foot rub.

  33. At our wedding 59 years ago, the song Each For The Other and Both For The Lord was sung and we lived it with some ups and downs. My husband passed away a year ago and I know for sure that he is in Heaven.. Those 58 years were wonderful, and we were blessed with four wonderful children.

  34. My husband has been gone for 12 years and I miss him so much. It was always a joy to hear his footsteps coming through the back door. He worked so hard for our family and I always admired him for that. We always tried to keep our arguments short and our forgiveness quick. God gave me a good man and I am so thankful for that and thankful to his parents for raising such a good person.

  35. My husband and I go camping as much as possible. Its our alone time. Away from all the craziness of work, family etc. It doesn’t always work but its peace and quiet that we can just concentrate on each other without interference.

  36. If you keep the Lord the center of your marriage and trust him you will be ok. We have been married 45 years and the Lord has been the center of our marriage and we trust him to guide us and keep us in his will

  37. My husband and I will be celebrating our 47th anniversary in April. We do things together all the time. We really enjoy each others company. Have a blessed March.

  38. My husband and I will be celebrating our 50 Anniversary in July. We do a lot of things together like camping, walking., bike riding, gardening., also active in our church. We also enjoy our 2 grandchildren.

  39. It’s such a blessing to have decent books to read and share; books with decent language and with a moral. Thank you for giving so many readers good books.

  40. I have been married for 51 years. I have a son & 2 grandchildren. we are both retired & love spending time together. we worked different shifts most of our married life so we are enjoying traveling 7 spending quality time together. I love your books. especially the half stitched & the cooking series. my friends & I enjoyed the Half stitched play at bird in hand Lancaster pa

  41. I love how the Amish do things when it comes to marriage. I wish more people followed suit. I love the way that you write about the Amish in your books. You’re definitely my favourite author! I like the fact that you use realistic circumstances in your books. I was just reading a cousins challenge and you had been talking about marital problems among an Amish family. I think its important to realize that everyone, no matter who you are you will have some sort of problem
    in their marriage at some point. However, I love the fact that the Amish stick it through and find a way to overcome whatever the obstacle may be. I also love the fact that the Amish make time for healthy fun. I’m only sixteen, so I’m not married. However, when I do get married someday I would want to keep my marriage strong by making sure I always have time for the other person, and making sure that we stay on the same page for what is going on in our lives, and also keeping on track with God.

  42. Once a week we go out to dinner. This is usually on a Friday night. We go for rides around our valley where we are able to view lots of birds, hawks, deer, coyote, and lots of water fowl. We almost always go for a ride after church on Sunday.
    I do the cooking and my husband does the dishes.
    On our rides we are able to discuss and share things that need to be ironed out. If you are at home, you see all the things that need to be done and talking does not happen. Better to get out of the house.

  43. My husband and I really enjoy going to Antique Stores. We don’t have to buy anything. Just look at everything. We try to find stores that we haven’t been to before. Some days we will take all day going to stores. Eating out. Just being together.

  44. We are working on 54 years of marriage. My husband was in the Army when we got married. We go to church together and that is important to me. I support him in one way that I go with him when he likes for me to be with him. And I ask him to be with me sometimes also. Not always something he enjoys. He is an old car buff and I can take a little of it but he does things with/for me he doesn’t really enjoy. Give and take has always worked for us.
    Can’t wait to see you on March 10th in Sarasota.

  45. Very interesting thank you.

    A shared love of books and reading always gives us something interesting to talk about.

  46. We are best friends. Our motto is “God first, look for the humor in any situation and make sure you marry your best friend.” We became best friends while dating. July 2017 we celebrated our 50th anniversary. God is still first in our marriage. Also, love the recipes you share in your books.

  47. My husband and I kid each other a lot and enjoy lots of resulting laughter. We say “Thank You” for the little things done for one another.

  48. The Amish way of marriage sounds interesting. I wish that many other marriages were like this and divorce was not a standard way of giving up. I would love to see an Amish wedding, that would be nice.
    I love reading your books Wanda E. Brunstetter . May God bless you.

  49. I would love to be able to attend an Amish wedding. As we have quite a few Amish communities around us, maybe I will be lucky enough to do so. I love the way the Amish administer to GOD and their beliefs. I too am a Christian and I feel the love that they do too, it is so comforting to be able to do so.

    I love your books, keep writing and until we meet again on your pages, have a wonderful day and God Bless You and Yours.

  50. We will be married 57 years in September and have had a good marriage. My husband does so very much for me. My friends tell me that I am spoiled rotten, but I enjoy it, He worked part time for 11 years after he retired, but quit a year ago and now he does breakfast every morning. We also moved my mother and dad in with us after dad had a stroke and he treated them just as he did his own parents. I will have to say that I have been blessed.

  51. In a relationship it can not be one sided, each person has to give and take a little to make it work. So many people today seem to forget this and want everything their way and when it doesn’t happen they get divorced. You have to remember the love you have for each other and look to God to help guide you through the hard times.

  52. My husband I have been married almost 9 years and have grown so much! We respect each other and I can tell him anything. We have a lot of talks. We have a 1 and 2 year old so are very busy but do go to church on my weekends off and we have taught our kids to pray before eating, and they will not eat without praying first. I love seeing my husband with my kids- it just melts my heart. We try to get date nights in when we can. We trust each other and I know we will always be together. I am so lucky to have found a good honest God loving man.

  53. My husband and I were married Feb 1949 (approaching 70 years) by my husband’s Father, who was a pastor for 34 years. We were both Christian young people, age 19 when married and he reached age 20 only 3 days later. We adopted two little sisters (ages 2 and 3) when we had been married 19 years. We both held jobs away from home, had a musical ministry, and attended church services in many different locations in addition to our local church. We raised our girls in a Christian home and it was filled with the love of God. We invited Him to help us through every storm and good times. It is very important to have God’s presence at all times. We credit God for our long marriage.

  54. It’s been a very hard time for us. My parents moved in with us 4 months ago with me being my moms caregiver. Sadly, my mom passed away 8 days ago. My husband has been my rock through all of this. Don’t know what I would have done without his support.

  55. My husband and I enjoy spending quite moments watching a tv show or cooking together. We prefer to use everyday activities to spend quality one on one time together.

  56. I love the faith and closeness in the families when it comes to the Amish. And it’s not just families. The whole community is family. They take care of each other. My Parents have lived in the same house for almost 50yrs. and some of their neighbors have never even spoke to my Parents. And Amish couples take care of their parents when they’re not able to take care of their self. Most couples that get married have been raised up together all of their life so they know more about the one they are marring then they do their self.

  57. I have been married twice and lived with my baby’s father for 7 years. My first husband was a physical abuser to me when he was drinking. He would throw furniture and everything. My sons dad was a drug user so he was both a physical abuser and mental abuser to me and our son. My second husband was an emotional, mental abuser. So I have had it all in my relationships. My second husband just couldn’t accept my son. He had to go cause I saw myself neglecting my son because of him. My saying is if you can’t accept my son then you can’t have me. Needless to say I am with a much younger guy now and it’s working. But it’s hard right now cause I lost my son in July 2017 to a horrible car accident that was caused by his wife jumping from moving truck he was driving. He cared enough for her to take his hands off steering wheel to save her. But he list control and was killed. The younger guy I am with now has been there for me. It may be a struggle at times because he is grieving different from me mine is more deeper. But we keep going. God bless

  58. We have been married 43 years. God has been the center of our home from the beginning. We even had devotions together before we got married. We try to go out to eat together at least once a week. We both love reading and enjoy Amish stories because they are always clean, wholesome and inspiring. Thank you for your wonderful books!

  59. My husband and I are very honest with each other, so there are no secrets kept between us. We also try to have date nights having dinner and watching movies together at home.

  60. My husband and I always done everything together if he was in the garden I was right beside him we were married 35 years when he passed away it will be 10 years in June. We had our ups and downs like everyone else but keeping the faith that the Lord put us together for a reason was what kept us going.

  61. Me and my husband are married now for 3.5 years! What we do to strengthen our relationship is doing things together! My husband loves shopping together, I like reading the Bible together and discussing what we just read and I try setting up a date night at home when the time is right, since we do have two young kids!

  62. I read a lot of Amish books[I am reading your 6 part Amish Millionaire series. I am on Book 4]. I find
    the Amish interesting and educational.

  63. Divorce is a sorry thing for a family. The Catholic religion also frowns on divorce. The Amish seem to have a happier and more peaceful life than most.

  64. If the Lord lets us, in June we will have been married forty years. We like to take drives out in the country. We leave off the radio, so we can talk and have quiet time together. We picnic outside often, just simple meals that don’t take a lot of planning or clean up. We go to church together and pray together. We tell each other, “I love ❤️ you “every day. We share some of the same interests. We treat each other with respect, sharesome chores, and do our best not to keep secrets from each other. We give each other room to grow and make mistakes. We also have some of our own interests that we share with friends that don’t include each other, so we can still be individuals as well as a couple.

  65. We have been married for 38 years with much joy and some bitter sorrow. We eat and travel together, but the most important thing is that before bed we talk about our day and anything weighing on our minds, so we can deal with it and sleep peacefully.

  66. Since my mother lives with us it is important that my husband and I do things just for us. Every Saturday we have a date day. We have a gourmet popsicle shop near us and we visit it and talk with friends. When I come home from work we spend time in our garden or yard swing drinking coffee. We take time for us. We also have hobbies that we both do. Some we share some we do for us, yet we spend time with each other learning about each other’s hobbies and supporting them. This year we will celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary. We must be doing something right.

  67. My husband works for the railroad as a company official, so basically I do not get to see him as often as I would love to. I feel that communication and time together are very important. We strive to have a date night when at all possible just to be able to enjoy each other’s company and without the distractions of our kids. We also enjoy game nights where we play board games with out children.

  68. It was good to read about Amish adults having outside interests, travel, and humor. Studying the Bible and praying together strengthen marriage.

  69. My husband and I do everything possible together. We read our Bible and pray in the morning so that we start our day off right and we take everything to God in prayer that may pop up during the day. God has truly given us many blessings in our marriage. I thank God every day that I have married my best friend.

  70. My Mom, Aunt and Cousin met an Amish couple in Berne, Ind. We always went there every summer to camp at Amishville for a week. We met this couple while they were dating and now they have Grand-children. On our many visit’s we were invited numerous times to supper. Sometimes we would get some doughnuts and go over in the morning for coffee while the men were off working. This is why i enjoy reading about the Amish..I feel like i’m back in Ind (which is where i’m from buy the way, lol). Helps keep me in touch with their ways.

  71. My husband and I were both married before so we make sure we spend time together but we have our separate times to do what we like. We share everything and don’t keep secrets.

  72. By keeping the Lord at the center of our marriage we will be celebrating 33 years in August. We have also had great examples with both sets of parents. My parents will celebrate 54 years in April and my husband’s parents will celebrate 63 years in June.

  73. I love reading about the full rounded Amish lives, both family and singles. Often I take bits, pieces or the whole part of thoughts in the book and incorporate them into our lives

  74. I was so sick when i was trying to read The Hawaiian Discovery and it made me feel better inside as I was reading it. Your books are just so inspirational besides being a wonderful book to read. The two of you are a great inspiration to peoples lives just thru the books and even though it is not marketed that way it truly is just so good. There are so many things that have made me feel more comfortable here in Iowa moving from Ca just from your books. There was a little Amish boy in Michaels a few weeks ago with his mom and I kinda smiled she kept apologizing to me about him and i just smiled at him letting him know what a treat it must of been for any boy to be there in the toy aisle and seeing all the toys . The moment made me feel like several in your books!

  75. I have the utmost respect for Amish family life.
    If only “Englisher’s” could go into marriage with the idea that its for life intead of “we can aways divorce if it doesnt work out” mentality! I would love to have a real Amish friend! I could learn so much from them! !